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. Yeah, I know.Donnie and Kevin were most unhappy to hearhow much you didn t talk to them.Kevin said it felt like he wasn t areal friend after all. Aw, fuck. That s not fair! Those guys are my brothers.I just,you know, didn t want to tell them dumb shit. Doc Stevenson grunted and then peered at his knitting for aminute. Dammit, kid, you made me drop a stitch. Dumb shit ?Really? That s what this falls under? Because that s a new one.I couldpublish your case and be famous, if I did that sort of thing.You relike& like a combination of textbooks with a monkey wrench thrownin.And you re afraid of burdening your friends with dumb shit.I mboggled. Chase s head didn t feel any better than it had the first time he dwoken up. Oh, God.Don t I get a pass? I mean& shit.I m stillhooked up to what is this shit? Blood and fluids, the Doc said without looking at the two lineshooked up to the inside of his restrained arm. About twenty strapping,beautiful young men trooped in here to try to donate blood in yourname.Some of it even matched, but you may want to think aboutwriting a thank you note to your, uhm, company. Chase groaned. You know what Tommy does, you know what Ido, he said, trying really fucking hard not to be defensive. Yes.Myfellow porn models came out and donated.Does that make their bloodnot as good? No, the Doc said, his voice growing gentle. But it means thatmaybe you ve got more people who care about you than you think.Maybe you want to try giving some of them a straight answer beforewe have to restrain your other wrist. But I told him the truth, Chase said plaintively, and he knew hesounded like a busted third-grader.But I told the teacher I was mad.But I told the girl not to bug me. Well, how about tell me the truth, and I ll count this reallyfrustrating ten minutes toward your forty-five hours of counselingbefore I send you home. Forty-five hours? Now Chase was boggled. One hour a day, or until I sign your release papers.Whichevercomes first.Given your prickly nature, you re lucky your healthinsurance is the expensive, private-jet kind. Why is that? Because otherwise, you d be in group therapy for the month anda half.As it is, you re just here. Is that standard operating procedure? Really? He was stuck inthe psych ward for a month and a half? God.Just knowing that alonemight have kept the razorblade out of his hand.Or put it in the other one. Only because I know you, Chase.Not personally, mind you, butthrough Tommy here.You re his primary topic of conversation.If youweren t so fucked up, my boy, I d be bored with you by now, but I mnot.I m worried.Is there any possible way we could come to anagreement about this? About what? About you voluntarily commit yourself, you get the nice room,the freedom to visit the store for the cigarettes Gross! Or gum of your choice, and are allowed as many visitors as canstand you, as long as you don t go too far when you talk. And what do you get? Chase asked warily. I get as many hours as I think you need.You knew how to cut,you knew when to cut, you were in a prime position to finish the job.You didn t.That makes me think that you really want to live.If that sthe truth, let s get to the real reason you re here, and then you won thave to be here anymore. Chase grunted. What day is it? October fifth. Can I maybe be out by Thanksgiving? Tommy s mother died lastyear.I don t want him to spend the holiday alone. There was a masculine and very paternal sigh. You know, thesethings don t always happen on a timetable, Chase.And from everythingI ve seen, you re one incredibly stubborn young man.You want to getout of here, you re going to have to do the hard stuff.You think youcan manage that? Tommy rolled over and looked at him.You d think he d look allfrowzy with sleep, but not Tommy.His eyes were a little red, but stillbright, and still sharp, and they seemed to bore into Chase s soul.Without a word, Tommy stood up and made it to the other chair next toDoc, the one he d been sitting in when Chase had first woken up.Hereached up and squeezed Chase s fingers and Chase closed his eyes.Tommy would know if Chase promised.He d know if Chase went backon his word. Fuck, Chase sighed. Yeah.But maybe we can wait to do moreof this until the needles get pulled out of my arms? I d really like thepart of the hospital visit where everyone gets all dewy-eyed and tellsme they re glad I m okay. Tommy s shoulders shook for a minute, and when Chase lookedat him, those Loki black eyes were focused on his face. I m so glad you re okay, Tommy said softly. I can t be okay ifyou re not.Can you listen to the Doc, maybe, and make sure you staythat way? Yeah, Tommy.But God, Chase closed his eyes. I planned thisso bad.I was going to go to the hospital and get all cured and shit, andthen go home and be all good and strong for you.I wanted to be thatguy, the one you need.And I m not him yet.I wish you got to see meas that guy. Tommy s laugh was soft and bitter. Chase, do you really think Iwould have followed you this far if I didn t think you were that guy? Hell, Tommy, I don t know why you stuck with me.I justwanted to be worth it, that s all. Tommy yawned and stretched and smiled a little. Chase, are youfalling asleep? God, yeah. I m gonna go home and cop a shower, okay? A real one.Don tpanic if I m not here when you wake up.I m coming, can youremember that? Chase had a random inappropriate thought, and it must haveshown in his smirk. Jesus, Tommy said, shaking his head. You can take theasshole out of the porn vid, but You can t take the porn vid out of the asshole? Chase finished,giggling a little, and the last thing he saw when he closed his eyes wasTommy, giving an honest-to-God smile.Who knew? Maybe he d beout early?As he was fading out, he heard that paternal, masculine sighagain, and realized he d never really answered Doc s question.Maybenot. THE young man on the couch looked tired.He was wearing loose jeansand a hooded purple sweatshirt, and he had his knees drawn up to hischest.He was resting his cheek on his knees and closing his eyestightly, like he could block out the world CHASE, you need to open your eyes and answer the question.Wait.Here s a new question, maybe not so hard.Where are you when you dothat? Chase grunted.Compared to some of the questions in the last fivedays, this was a new one. I m trying to see myself from the outside, he said, and Doc Stevenson grunted. Really? Why? To make sure I don t look too off. There was a digestive silence.Chase opened his eyes and cast aglance at the Doc, who was knitting meditatively. Have you always done this? Chase thought a minute. Well, not when I was filming. Hesmiled. That was actually pretty awesome, you know? I could see it onfilm, people told me it was good.I knew that I was doing okay. Almostas good as the flying part, when people touched me. Finish that last thought, Doc commanded, and Chase gruntedagain.He hated this.It was creepy Doc, Tommy, and lately Donnieand Dex and even Kevin kept making him finish the thought
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